As I am writing this, I am sitting in the hospital in Shanghai. Shiqi is sleeping. She is recovering from the birth, which took place yesterday evening.
It was a sad and difficult experience. Especially sad was the fact that she had to go through so much pain, knowing that at the end of it, we would not have a small healthy baby in our hands to compensate for it.
When the baby was born, it was dead already. I decided that I wanted to look at the baby, because I was hoping it would help us later in processing and accepting the situation.
I think I will never forget the site of this tiny, helpless, and lifeless creature. The belly of the baby was extremely big, and the fluid inside was clearly visible. It was clear to me that this baby did not have a chance.
The future will tell whether looking at the baby was the right decision or not. At the moment, I feel glad that I did.
Shiqi decided that she did not want to see the baby, and I think that was right.
Right now, Shiqi, even though tired, is doing well. I hope she will recover quickly and we can be back home in Fuzhou together soon. We are looking forward to that very much. And we are sure, we will be fine!
I want to thank you all for the kind and warm words we have received in the past days. It was nice to know that the thoughts of our dear friends and family were with us.
1 seconde laten leven
ik kan je nu alleen niet laten gaan
nu je net voor dit leven al
dood bent gegaan ..."
("...I wanted to let you live for a moment, just for 1 second; I cannot let you go, now that you died shortly before this life ...")
These lines, from a song by the Dutch artist Maarten van Roozendaal have been going through my mind often during the past few days. I never thought they would mean so much to me one day.
May you rest in peace, little baby .....